


O Cum All Ye Faithful

by Consultingcrackaddicts (orphan_account)



Series: A Study in Kinks [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Anal Play, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Christmas, Crack, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Porn, Smut, crack porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 06:16:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/606716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Consultingcrackaddicts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John and Sherlock celebrate Christmas the cracky way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	O Cum All Ye Faithful

**Author's Note:**

> Written for CHRISTMAS, because we love Christmas.
> 
> By Shelby and Summer. 
> 
> We take crack requests/prompts! You can submit one to us at: consultingcrackaddicts.tumblr.com/ask  
> We'll post it on the blog and here on Ao3. :]

It was Christmas at Baker Street, and John was being a little bitch because it wasn’t snowing.

“I want snow.”

“Well you can’t have it.”

“But I want it.”

“No. Sit the fuck down.”

“Suck my hairy dick.”

“You might want to get that checked.” Sherlock gave no fucks.

“Make it snow for me.” John said, as he seductively sucked a candy cane.

“Are you sure?” Sherlock asked, raising an eyebrow like he was the whore of Venice.

“Yeah I’m sure, big daddy.” John said, rubbing the candy cane all over his lips like it was cold sore medicine.

Sherlock looked at John like “What in the fuck?” before he cleared his throat and joined in.

“Whatever you want then... Err, sugar mama.”

John immediately threw a tantrum.

“Sugar Mama? Really, Sherlock?”

“I don’t know what you want from me! You started it with all this ‘Big Daddy’ business!”

“I just want you to cum on my face, okay? While singing a Christmas carol. That is all.” John said, as if that wasn’t fucking weird as hell.

“Sounds good, Sugar Mama.” Sherlock said, winking, as he pranced across the room like a reindeer in heat to find a Santa hat.

John sighed.

“I would really prefer it if you just called me something else.”

“How about one of the reindeer?”

“Ugh, I guess so.”

“What about, ‘Slutty Comet’? Comet, because I’m going to leave a trail of ejaculate all over your body.” Or something.

“Ugh...”

“Or, how about ‘Vixen’, seeing as you’re behaving like one? (¬‿¬)”

“I don’t think that’s really appropriate, Sherlock.”

“Well, good thing I wasn’t really asking you then, isn’t it, Vixen?”

“Sherlock, what are you doing? Stop prancing around like a... Prancing Blitzen, and get over here so I can suck your dick!”

“John, shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Sherlock said.

He had reached the tree and unwrapped a length of tinsel from it with the grace and poise of a porpoise.

“You want the D, Vixen? Come get it.”

John made to walk over to Sherlock, but Sherlock shook his finger, much like a porpoise would, and said,

“No, Vixen. On all fours, like a good little reindeer.”

John gave Sherlock the biggest side-eye and was like ‘ok’, and then got down on all fours and began to crawl.

“No, more like a reindeer!” Sherlock demanded.

John was still confused, so he began to pick up his, err, knees, tossing his head around like a show pony.

“Much better.” Said Sherlock, his eyes glittering (like kawaii diamonds), admiring the cutie’s booty as he imagined taking his little Vixen up the butthole.

John eventually reached the tree, and stayed on the ground for further instruction.

“Ay, cutie, can I touch your booty?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“Well, you’ll have to beg me for it then, won’t you?” Sherlock said, smirking as he fashioned a bridle and reins from the tinsel he held in his hands.

John shuffled indignantly on the floor.

“You’re not going to put that on my head are you?” He asked.

“Why? Would you rather I fashion you into a present? Or perhaps a big turkey, bound and gagged on the table, desperate for a good stuffing? Get into the Christmas spirit, John.”

John sighed, resigning himself to the fact that he would be spending the evening impersonating a reindeer. He decided to make the most of things, and reached for a red ball shaped ornament that was hanging near Sherlock’s elbow.

He mumbled something to himself, and after removing the hangy uppy part, stuck it on his nose.

“John, don’t be ridiculous. You are being Vixen, not Rudolph.”

“I want the nose, Sherlock.”

“Why, it will only hinder the function of your mouth.”

“It stays or I go.”

Sherlock paused.

“Fine. But I’m not coming on your face until you take it off, I don’t want to have to clean it before I put it back on the tree.”

John grumbled.

“I’m getting tired of waiting, John. Be a good little reindeer and eat the carrot.”

“Woah, what carrot?” John asked, alarmed.

“The carrot.” Sherlock said, unzipping his trousers and letting the D fly free - The Carrot was his penis.

“Oh. That Carrot.” John said, struggling to reach it from his position on the floor.

He even did a few little rearing movements while Sherlock flopped his hardening dick around. Eventually, Sherlock decided to get a fucking move on, and he dropped to his knees in front of his furry friend.

“Have a smell of it, Vixen. Do you like it?” He asked, gently patting John’s head, while offering him The Carrot with the other.

John nuzzled gently at Sherlock’s throbbing dipstick, getting the, er, oil all over his lips and chin. And even some in his eyebrows (which is totally sexy). Sherlock was moaning like a brazen baboon, thrusting gently into John’s eye socket or some other facial orifice (possibly his nose, knocking the bauble off centre so that it was hanging halfway down one cheek).

“Sherlock,” John said, his nose full of penis, “I want to ndibble on The Carrot.”

“Well,” Sherlock said, his voice husky like a husky’s voice might be if it could talk as opposed to only being able to bark, “Go ahead and take bite then”.

“Omnomnomnomnom” John said, getting a good mouthful of the juicy carrot that was being held in front of his face.

He slurped away for a good long while, as Sherlock continued to rub him down and tickle him under his chinny-chin-chin.

“Oh, Good god, John,” Sherlock moaned, thrusting wantonly at John’s face again, “Stop before I come. I’m not ready to be finished with you yet.” He said lustily.

He pulled his throbbing member from John’s face hole, and sat back on his heels, attempting to cool down a bit.

“Would you like me to warm you up?” he said to John, his breath as heavy as his balls.

“Yes please.” John said.

“Alright then.”

Sherlock stood up slowly, and kneeled down again behind John, undoing his trousers. He helped the reindeer man out of them, and then slowly peeled off his shirt and pants, lifting up John’s limbs like one might do when cleaning a hoof. Soon, John was on the floor in front of him, in nothing but a bauble nose and a bridle made of tinsel.

Then, Sherlock had a devious idea. He thought to himself that while he quite liked putting his penis in John’s butt, he also quite liked to put other stuff in John’s butt too. And with that, he stood up and strode off to his room, telling John to stay put as he went. (Or he’d have the whip, like bad reindeers get)

He returned a few moments later, wielding the biggest candy cane John had ever seen.

“What are you going to do with that, spank me with it?” John asked.

“No. Good idea, though. I thought you might like something to gnaw on, while I deal to you.” He replied, lightly swatting John’s bare arse.

He unwrapped the candy cane, and placed it straight end up in front of John, waiting for him to begin eating it - John did so, with fervor. It was peppermint flavoured.

While John was having a quick snack, Sherlock leaned down to worship his reindeer’s hindquarters. He touched the butt. He kissed the butt. He licked the butt. He stroked the butt. He bit down on the butt. He loved that butt. It was the best butt.

“Mmmmm, butt.” said Sherlock. And then he poked the hole part, grinning. John made a noise, and almost choked on his candy cane.

Sherlock poked the anus bit again, only this time with his tongue. John winced, because if we’re all honest with each other, his anus was a bit dry and sensitive. Sherlock was no idiot, so he scampered away to find some lube. This is set in a realistic universe, so it took him ages, and both of their erections had softened slightly by the time he got back.

Then he lubed up John’s butt and got back to giving him a good old-fashioned rimming.

John made a noise like mating reindeers do, and Sherlock made that stupid smirky face (what an asshole) that he often makes whenever he does anything at all ever.

John could feel it in his butt.

“Stop that.” He said.

“No.” Sherlock replied, sticking a finger gently into John’s behind, wiggling it around uncomfortably, nowhere near the prostate.

“Are you ready, John?”

“For?”

With one finger in John’s butt, Sherlock reached around the rest of his reindeer’s body uncomfortably, and retrieved the minty stick of sex Vixen was currently nomming on.

“HAy!” He yelled (like what reindeer eat, hahahahahaa).

Sherlock gave no warning, and plunged the tasty treat into the dark abyss that was the booty.

It hurt like fuck, and John went soft as he cried with the pain of the rigid candy entering his delicate poo chamber, hiding his face in the floor, and raising his ass towards the ceiling.

“What in the fuck, Sherlock?!?!?” John asked, outraged at the pain in his soft bottom.

“Sorry, I thought you liked it rough.”

“Yeah, but it’s still a tender ring of muscle prone to ripping, you can’t just shove stuff in it willy-nilly.”

“Errr, I just did.” Sherlock said, grabbing the candy by the cane part, and twisting it roughly, making John hiss like a snake made of steam and also more snakes and other stuff that hisses.

“Seriously Sherlock,” He winced, “You need to be more careful.”

Sherlock pouted, gently stroking John’s buttocks, and applying more lube to his crack.

“But I thought you liked it like this?” He asked.

“I do, you bloody wanker, just not with an abrasive food stuff, and not when I’ve barely been stretched.”

“It’s hardly large.”

“We don’t live in a fanfiction, Sherlock. Get real.” He said, unaware of the irony of the statement.

“You read that nonsense?” Sherlock asked, scrunching his face up.

“Errrrr, no. You’re killing the mood here.” Said John, resolving to change the subject and direct Sherlock’s attention back to the dessert currently occupying his poohole.

“Right, sorry.” Sherlock mumbled, slowly pushing the candy deeper into the crevice of excrement that was John Watson’s anus.

John moaned, the gentler pace making his dick heat up again, like it had been put in the microwave or something (Minus the exploding part because that could’ve happened).

Sherlock slowly thrust it in and out, stroking John’s hip and slapping his firm butt occasionally, making him clench around the increasingly sticky stick.

“Sherlock,” John moaned breathlessly, “Please.”

Sherlock took this as his cue to stick it in his honey’s booty. Withdrawing the candy cane and dumping it on the floor beside them, he lubed up again and gently pushed at John’s butt entrance, intent on completing his arse spelunking expedition.

John groaned as Sherlock’s cock brushed against his prostate right away because they are super easy to find and stuff (are they though, I don’t know). .

“Nnnnnnnghh”, was the grumbled response as John’s face pressed into the floor.

Sherlock gradually began thrusting faster, his fingers indented into the reindeer’s hips. He slowly began rubbing all up on John, until he was thrusting haphazardly forwards while he lay across John’s back, tugging hard on the tinsel reins. He ended up with his head buried in John’s neck, hands clutching at the tinsel reins and John’s chest, panting with the exhaustive effort of the position he had them in.

“I’m so close, John.” He said between heavy breaths.

“What?” John gasped out, alarmed, “No! You have to finish on my face!”

Sherlock groaned, slowing the roll of his hips as he prepared to execute John’s filthy wishes.

“Sherlock pls.”

Reluctantly, he pulled it out of John’s poop chute and scampered around to his good little reindeer’s front.

“You want snow, Vixen? You can have it.” Sherlock said, as he stroked himself quickly to completion.

*~*~* SUDDENLY BLIZZARD*~*~*

John moaned out in ecstasy as he got the dirtiest kind of snow blindness. Sherlock wiped his dick clean on John’s face, as John’s tongue reached any part of Sherlock’s penis that it could.

“There,” Sherlock said, panting as he sat back on his heels, “Now you’re a lovely dusted plum pudding.”

John laughed a bit as he went to wipe his face.

“No, leave it there. I like it.”

“Fine. But could you help me out a bit?” John asked impatiently, pointing at his own still hard dick.

“Wellllllllll,” Sherlock said, tediously drawing out the word. “Normally I wouldn’t, but seeing as it’s Christmas, and you’ve been such a dear (heh, deer) I’ll make an exception.”

Sherlock reached over to John and pushed him backwards, until John fell over and hit his head quite hard on the floor, but it was fine because John was about to get his dick sucked or something. Sherlock crawled up John’s body, until his eyes were level with John’s Christmas sausage. He began to nuzzle the appendage, rubbing John off with his sizeable nose.

“O cum all ye faithful...” He sung gently into John’s crotch as he snuggled in, “...Joyful and triumphant. O cum ye, O cum ye...”

He took John into his mouth then and sucked like he needed to finish a lollypop in a hurry. John made a series of incoherent groaning noises that went something along the lines of “oh god yes” and “don’t you dare fucking stop Sherlock” and continued for a while until Sherlock pulled his mouth off with an obscene “pop”, at which point John proceeded to aim his own snowball at Sherlock’s face.

“Jesus Christ!” Sherlock yelled, and pointed John’s penis away from him, the result being that the ejaculate in question was landing on the face of the ejaculator (John was coming on his own face).

The look on John’s face could be compared to that of someone who had just cum on their own face.

“Sherlock!” he managed to say, through a mouthful of his own cum.

“Yes, Vixen?”

“I wanted you to cum on my face, not me!”

“Well, two is better than one, John. Stop complaining.”

“...Can I at least wipe it off now?” John asked resignedly.

Sherlock contemplated him for a second.

“I suppose so,” He said, as he pulled his pants back on, “But you have to eat as much of it as you can first.”

“Sherlock!”

“Oh, don’t be such a prude, John. You’ve eaten my semen before, and probably yours - you seem the type to have tried it.” Sherlock said, with a withering glance in John’s direction.

“No, nothing like that. I was just going to say that I don’t want to spoil my dinner - Mrs. Hudson is doing a big turkey later.”

“Well, there’s something I’d pay to see.”

“Don’t be so disgusting.”

“Says the man eating his own cum.”

John threw his cum-cleaned nose bauble at Sherlock before stalking off to the bathroom. Sherlock plopped down into his chair and closed his eyes with a smile.

“Happy Christmas, Sugar Mama.” Sherlock shouted across the flat.

“Happy Christmas to you, too, you filthy wanker.”

This Christmas was going to be amazing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments are always appreciated. :]
> 
> Info for requests/prompts can be found in the notes at the top.


End file.
